Insomnia

Sleep deprivation aggravates these days. Due to O'levels? Nah, I don't think so. Maybe I'm morphing into a nocturnal creature. Perhaps my liking to the dead silence and serenity of the night accompanied by the crisp sound of crickets has increased. I just loved the cool breeze, very rare during the days, that is continually blowing through the window of my study. It's so calming. Dizziness and slight headaches(migraines do occur sometimes during the day and mostly at night) are the side effects of staying up late. Feasibly, it is one of the habits I've attained since the sudden change of my character. Whatever it is, it's toll on me will ascend if I do not resume to my preference of turning in early. The sudden loss of my pets doesn't seem to show melancholy but I was, in fact, morose. It took me great pains to procure them. And now I'm back to square one. From now on, I'm going to endeavor in acquiring another pair of green crested lizards. I might consider getting myself a glider(another species of lizards that has a flap of skin on their sides that gives them their names).

Currently, I'm doing my best to finish up the whole of the Physics textbook and just started on the first chapter. OMG D: Anyway, I hope the paper which is due in 13 hours and 7 minutes later to be as easy as it could be (:

And I've just gained 5 kilos laaa... OMG :O
*sobbing.. Junk food!!!

Bronchocela cristatella

"Bronchocela cristatella" is the scientific name of the lizard I kept. A native species in this country. An exotic pet to keep at home. When I have the time, I would take individuals out for a stroll. Erm... Hanging them on my shoulder. And you could not be bothered by their presence. In moments of solitude, I would take one of these magnificent, or others might say weird creatures, out and we would stare at each other for a long period of time. An eccentric habit I have. It seems that these dumb creatures can somehow understand the messages I am trying to convey to them. Silently. In times of despair, I would talk to them and they would also perceive.

Very, indeed, I am glad to have them as pets.

Precipitate

5:55 in the morning. Never slept a wink. Wondering how do you feel? Still feeling upset? Of course right now you were sound asleep. But I just don't know why that queasy feeling came again. Forcing me to fidget the whole night. Pondering over how to console you when you were in low spirits. Presently, I'm feeling neither tired nor sleepy. Worried I am. Anxiousness crept over me. Whole night. The whole night I was thinking of ways to lighten up your mood but to no success. I'm a more failure than you. So don't ever think you were at the bottom. Raining now. The chilly breeze is currently numbing my senses. Ugh! Hungry.


Are you comfortable in telling me what indeed happened last night?

Reflection

Wrote a fiendish post around 7pm pertaining to you. Saw your recent post and I was utterly shocked. Had to delete it immediately as the contents were ghastly, unsightly. And I realized, now, that you would be of deeper disappointment and the guilt-ridden conscience. I could not afford it. No way I'm letting you to feel this way. I promised not to let you upset and I almost broke it by writing that fiendish post. I am thoroughly thwarted of my own literature.

I've made up my mind. Be well and rest assured. I care for you.


Well, back to business. After attending the quite-easy paper, I went home, get changed and down to Greenridge. I joined my recently acquainted b-boy friends and they were astonished by my performance- it's my second practice, which spells that I'm the newest member of the family. I could only smile sheepishly and kindly rejct their compliments. I inquired most of them how they were like when they first started out. " We fared worse than you" were their answers. Being a newbie, I could only watch in awe as my friends practice in their area of expertise. Mmm... What I need now is to strengthen my knowledge of the basics and try to prolong the time in maintaining my balance in doing hand stand.

Vicissitude

Downstairs. Reprimanded my adult but ignorant Sis. Another Sis of mine said, " you've changed". Yeah I know. I've changed.

Do I really CARE for people? Unknowingly though. I care for people... But do I CARE for myself?

Since incident 30/9/10, I still didn't notice that it had impacted me so damn FUCKING much. It carved deeply in my heart, leaving a gash that still bleeds painfully.PAINFULLY. I've re-read your "Past. Present. Future" post and i found out that I, too, changed ALOT. I'm avoiding REALITY. Now then I realized. I've been avoiding, escaping. Gorging on food and behaving diabolically in front of my kakis. I HATE myself!!! What should I do to ameliorate this conundrum? It's massacring parts of me. Day by day. And each day starts with a more abominable me. I could no longer recognize myself. I've become a creature whom I detest. A more alerted, sensitive and observant creature.

Yeah I'm soft-hearted or weak if you prefer. Just had an emotional breakdown. Second time for the past two months. Still sobbing while writing. How pathetic. I'm done here. Glad and pacified that you've enjoyed yourself today. Be happy.

Note: I consider incident 30/9/10 to be regardless and had nothing to do with you, so don't express any tense emotions. However, you know that.


I'm lying.

Break Dance

My first contact with b-boy today under a shelter in Greenridge and spent the whole afternoon with Yu Heng and friends. Feels like a work out. Perspire. Relieves me of the stress that builds up in me. Got a few bruises though. Before this, I accompanied Yu Heng to see dermatologist in Bukit Batok. After, we had subway for lunch in West Mall and went around making fun of people. " Balls of Steel" :DD

These small things actually lifts my mood! Due to the exams, I'm in a terrible mess(feeling down) these few days. Its somehow inexplainable as to how it feels like.

Your personal wellness is my priority. Stay cheerful.

Lucky

Phew.. Today's paper is no cake! :D thought it would be tough... Turned out to be a joke! Well I still can't get past the careless mistakes. Haish :/

Apocalypse?

Tomorrow is E-math paper II, what's the big deal? Big deal is today's paper 1 is so easy(got a lot of careless mistakes though) but rumors said that if paper 1's easy, Uhoh! The next paper will be tough. Very tough. Need to put in a lil' bit of concentration for later's revision. Or else I'm not gonna make it. Mmm, I wonder what grade will I get for English?

Well, I do not need to pray hard cos' I just need to remember. And that's the key to success. I suppose?

I Must Not Procrastinate

Mr Loy said: "procrastination is like masturbation" and I totally agree with his statement. Now then I feel the pressure. It's suffocating. For the past 10 months I've been procrastinating. Not good. E-math paper 1 is less than 11 hours from now. Hope it's easy.

Severe coughing- due to drinking sprite & coke & pepsi etc for the past few days while it's mild. Sore throat's getting better by night and worse by day. Occurrence of migraine during this hour. It's very tiring. 12 November. End of suffering.

The Calm Before The Storm

The wee hours... Seemed too abnormally eerie for me or maybe I'm just too nervous? Less than 12 hours to my first paper and I'm still wide awake. Hungry. Gonna cook instant noodles with mushrooms and eggs with a cup of warm Milo after writing this. Then I'll head upstairs and continue revising the formats and modal essays in my pigsty-studyroom ^^v

And you.. Don't be so weight-conscious cos' you look perfectly fine :)

Haze

Curse the Sumatrans!$@%^#&%#*@... Well, at least the rain had temporarily eased the situation^^ Getting stuck at home all day makes me look like a 宅男. Eww. Going down to buy lunch unkempt plus wearing a singlet. Ah peh. Now, still revising and having a super smart phone beside me is indeed super distracting.

Phew.. Lucky my friends invited me to play soccer in CC 6 hours later...or else I'll be rotting away at home.

Bean Bag

Hmmm... got nothing to do. Sitting on a bean bag right now and I'm still thinking of the question you posted " Who is it that will make the greatest impact in your life? Your first love or your true love?"

So here's my point-of-view answer: If you met your true love, then it is your first real love in which you put your heart and soul into it, then it is your first love. So in my perception, my first love may not be inceptive. ;)

Frozen worksheet

As usual, went to school for self study. Thought it might not be full of people(cos' Muslims go for prayers on Fridays). Went inside the library and wow! So many students. Crowded. Not a conducive environment for studying.. Too bad, I just need to bear with the current situation and make the best out of it. Flooding my ears with music eases the tension that builds up in me- I'm a shy person and places with lots of people can be quite traumatizing for me.

In the midst of studying, Gui ming persuaded me to have our lunch in mac's. So I got to accompany him. But I don't feel like eating.. Went to the study room just outside the school and found out a bunch of my friends were there! Yay! played rugby and a modified version of monkey in that small room. Fun! Opened the fridge and took out a frozen science practical worksheet and celebrate by smashing it to the tree and lamp post outside the room. Stress relieved. Spent the rest of the day in the study room chatting away and playing my phone.^^

Kite

"But if I let you go, I will never know
What my life would be holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?
How will I know if I let you go?
Night after night I hear my self say
Why can't this feeling just fade away?
There's no one like you, you speak to my heart
Its such a shame we're worlds apart"

Something bad happened last night. I could sense it..
As the kite soars high above the skies, the more farther it is away from me. Pulling it too close only increases the possibility of the string getting snapped. Should I cut the string attaching to the kite and me when I still got the chance?

Down With Flu

In the morning, sore throat caught me by surprise, followed by a runny nose. Had a bowl of curry noodles( thick beehoon, potatoes, pork and prawns). Thought that would ameliorate the situation. But I ate it halfway, felt too full and finished the prawns and potatoes. Chuck the rest of the contents into the dumpster. By noon, I had no problem in inhaling and exhaling, just a bit ticklish in the throat and felt a bit giddy.

Joined a couple of friends just now and head for macdonalds to have my lunch. I believed in the Chinese proverb"与毒攻毒" and bought a Mcspicy meal UPSIZED. Felt a bit better and guess what? My friend got a coupon to get a free big Mac. Well, I got a free ticket to the Singapore flyer, woots! Guiming didn't want the big Mac coupon so I seized the chance and gobble it down on my way back to school..

In the library, I began to feel exasperated and weak.Drowsiness infiltrated me.

Sick And Tired

O'levels is just a few days away. I'm taking it as easy as eating peanuts. However, I can't get a few distinctions just by eating peanuts. Sigh! Went the school library just to slack. Why? Cos' I don't want to stay in my HOUSE! I'm sick and tired of your nonsense, Ma. And smoker(dad), you're such a jerk! Don't always think that you're the sole breadwinner of the family. Time to give up that mentality.Damn it! Pick my side and don't just stay in a neutral position, Da Jie. Please don't always act like an idiot, Er Jie..your bryan may love it but we aren't! @San Jie: you cared for me the most. However, what I want is CONCERN... Somebody or anybody, I need your concern. I really hate to assure and tell myself "I can do it... I can do it!"always. A pampered child eh? Yeah I am. Hate it!

我累了.. 真的累了

Cheese omelette

Today seemed quite a lousy day.. In fact, since incident 30/9/10, it completely changed me. Friends around me noticed a turn in attitude, behaviour, the frequent aftershocks and the tone I speak. " Haoen, are you okay?","are you alright","what happened". Lied to them. "yea I'm fine" is often used to pacify them. She too, assured me that she's alright. I doubt so. Read her blog and found out that she's feeling awful by her results. Dunno why I felt dampened even though my spirits are very low. Cooking and messaging helps. Made my favorite cheese omelette plus receiving an SMS, that cheered me up a little.
Hope tomorrow might be a better day. Good luck to you, Hao En. And "you" too!^^

Message ( Part 2)

In the past few days, I've been using one-word or just a few words in my messages. It isn't fair! Am I beginning to get influenced by her? In a dilemma I was. After much much consideration, I decided to continue with my style: sentenced messages.

Awkward situation

Been in the school library studying since 10am. Two hours later.. An acquaintance of mine shared the same table with me. "you're handsome" was the first thing she said to me. Panic and shock overwhelmed me. I feel AWKWARD. Then she smiled smittenly at me. Are her eyes smeared with poo? Oh please, I'm so ugly. Why would someone said those things at me? Solution: pretend not to hear it and do not look into her eyes when I speak. That worked! In my mind, I wanted to tell her that I am fond of & love & like & adore another girl. Would "she" mind if I tell my acquaintance that I'm deeply in love with "her" even if it's a one-sided affair?

Message

"yea","nope","ok" and etc...hated to use them in messages. Therefore I liked writing sentenced messages as they could describe how you feel. Oftenly. If the recipient sends a one word message, there are two things that I could see into them. First, they are not too close with you or second, they want to maintain a line of defence. A barrier. In my case, it is the latter. I could not blame someone about this. It's her privilege and I can't force her. Right?

Am I accident-prone?

In June, walking in the park alone. I don't know what's wrong with my eyes. Are they stamped? Yes they are! Even strolling on a smooth pavement also seemed dangerous. Slipped and fell. Mmm, nothing's wrong? But why do I felt a bit of an empty space just under my left knee? Looked down. Whoa.. A 20mm long and 6mm deep laceration. I'm lucky not to go into a shock. Had to limp my way back to home. Passers by from afar stare at my leg, wondering "why that boy put strawberry jam on his leg ah?". It was when a closer look that makes them realise that it is a deep cut. Back at home, I tried to wash away the bits of dirt that STICKS to the layer of fat. DAMN! It's "not quite" disgusting for me though. Phoned my Sis and she brought me to the hospital. In the end, 5 stitches and I wonder "Does the medical officer that had my wound stitched learn how to sew?" Cos' her stitching SUCKS!

In the next few months, I got two slight fractures shared equally by my feet. They don't need to put on a cast as it is just a minor thing, I suppose. Then I got huge bruises on my thighs. And recently had a patch of skin peeled off on my left shin. Now I was busy plucking out the scabs! Last night I attended my friends' BBQ. Played ball and a friend of mine kicked the ball right into the canal. I accompanied him and climbed down into it. Picked up the ball and saves the day! And my accident-hungry leg never failed me. I stepped right into the a pile of broken glass. Prrrkkt. SHIT! Weird I felt nothing. It was when after my bath then I felt a sharp pain on on my foot. It is a slit. "Yea I'm fine." Every step hurts! But I can't afford for you to worry about me. Sorry!